Did anyone see our mascot at the last football game? Yeah, me neither. There was some guy in a red chicken suit pacing back and forth on the concourse — what’s that? That was our mascot? Oh. I see.

So our school has a highly competitive football team and a packed beyond capacity stadium. But the representation of our school, our spirit is a scrawny, red bird. Possibly made of felt. Or rejected Muppet. I’m not really sure. He’s never come into the stands. I’ve never seen him lead a cheer or do a cool dance or mock the other team. In fact, I’m not even sure if he’s a him.

Does or mascot have a name? Is it something clever, like Carla the Cardinal? Brock the Bird? Fernando Fowl? (See, alliteration is clever.) Maybe the mascot should wear a name tag or something. Not like we’d be able to see it as he hides under the stands.

In case you haven’t realized it yet, a mascot can pretty much get away with anything it wants. Ever see these guys at other sporting events? Mascots dance on dugouts, hassle refs, steal kids’ hats, and high five just about anyone within arm (or wing) length. Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever gotten a high five from the Fisher mascot? Yeah ... that’s what I thought.

We need a new mascot. A bold mascot. One that better represents our campus. Here’s what I propose. The mascot will still be a cardinal but will actually look like a cardinal. He might wear sunglasses, since guys who wear sunglasses all the time are cool. For example, whenever Snoopy put on sunglasses, he became Joe Cool. And we all want a cool mascot, right? Now our mascot’ll need a slick name. I’m going with Crusher. Crusher the Cardinal. Since we crush our opponents. That’s tough.

A couple of people have told me that the Fisher mascot is actually a work study job and that he only shows up when there’s a student to do it. Somebody gets paid to be the mascot? The school pays someone to have the right to anonymously have free reign of the crowd and most of the stadium? I’d do that for free. In fact, I’m offering my services right here, right now. I’ll be the mascot at a football game for free. With full immunity, that is.

Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 2; Oct. 5, 2005).